Grandma

Grandma tells me to always stay satisfied with life

However, she seems to be very hard to please

when I wanted to play out

she said it was too dangerous

when I brought my friends home

she said they were too messy

when monica visited me

she found I was too slim and got worried

when I began to feed my cat

she got angry and kept complaining

when I started to learn calligraphy

she said you should also learn drawing

when I discovered my true love in drawing

she said you should learn maths and English

when I found my interest in literature and English

she said you must learn chemistry and physics

when I got curious about science in labs

she said it's better to stay with your textbooks

when I wanted to learn architecture

she tried her best to persuade me into electronics

when I got interested in humanity and urban planning

she was shocked why I could not stay with professional architecture

when I showed her my exboyfriend

she said you were too young to have a boyfriend

when I showed her another boyfriend a year later

she asked when you planned to marry him

when I told her monica eagerly wanted a baby

she told me to stay away from her

when I told her young people always explored and wandered

she questioned how you could change so fast

when I expressed my happiness of studying abroad

she urged me to go back home and settle down

Now I tell her that I get interested in poetry

She asks why don't you draw? Drawing is better

I tell her that I am drawing now an then.

I've been in love with drawing for almost 15 years

Remember? When I was in middle school...

She falls into silence

I also tell her that I finally decide to break up with my boyfriend

even though he is the sweetest guy to me

She sighed, disappointed

at the other end of the phone

on the other side of the globe

in the sunshine that my night can never reach

Now I remember

20 years ago

she said the same thing to me

"Baby, do not pursue perfectionism"

But why grandma,

Why are you always worried about me?

Why are you always unhappy with my choices?

Why can't you just let it be?

Why can't you share my joy of the presence?

How can I please you?

Tell me! How can I make you happy!

Tell me! How can I love you!

She falls into silence again

She has been much more quiet these years

She always stays at home

rejects to move

Probably she is in the circle

never too far from the starting point

She has all her love and gifts

just can hardly appreciate the glory of herself

Even though she urged me to focus in school study

She always loves calligraphy and drawing so much

Even though she tried to keep me away from literature

Her bookshelves are huge and full

Even though she complained that outdoor activities were unsafe

She laughed so loud and sincere while playing with me in the park

Even though she scolded the cat all the time

She hugged and caressed it with her entire heart

Even though she arranged the miserable marriage of my parents

She also understands what true love means

Even though she appreciated the fortune of staying alive due to the rejection from the air force

She is always ashamed to have been born in the year when Japanese invaded

Even though she always avoided talking about history

She wrote her personal history with her siblings

Even though she kept denying the quality of her artworks

She eagerly wanted us to print her portfolio

Even though she said old stuff were useless

She always touches the hundred-year-old hardwood table decorated with shells

Even though she said staying abroad was nothing better than homeland

She put cash into my pocket every time I was home

Please do not forget

She was the daughter of the wealthiest family of the region

She was born in a mansion compound larger than the world heritage site

She used to feed three fat cats and two lovely dogs

She used to cultivate beautiful gardens in the courtyard

She had a childhood full of legacies, freedom and love

She gained wisdom from both western and eastern intelligence

She sang traditional operas and recited all kinds of ancient poetry

She grew up in the capital when city walls were still higher than the sky

She witnessed the entire process of wars and revolutions

She was the first dozens of girls graduated from the best university

She used to teach Russian and English

She was the first group of female scientists visiting Poland

She could have been a renowned scientist if revolutions did not happen

She could also have been a female artist if wars did not take place

She could have lived a better life if she did not love so much

She could also have been dead if she loved too much

She always dreams to study abroad

She always dreams to build a better homeland

She always dreams to preserve all the good

She always dreams to live with true love

In my vein flows her blood

Grandma and me are the same

We just wander around the starting point

at different time, different spaces, different stages of life

Time moves on

never comes back

Fate rolls up and down

never too far

Grandma is 82 years old now

Every day she feels so close to the call of destiny

She is peaceful and ready

there she will meet her parents and family

In her life she has always been extremely careful to stay appropriate

through these ridiculous decades of contemporary history

of the country, where one can vanish silently, at any minute

She is an extraordinary woman in her era

and also an anonymous dust in the billion

She devoted all her life to this party, to the so-called belief

as well as her family, in the way she finds correct

She has always been the queen of my family

A queen with glory of the past

A queen with lost memory

A queen with noble spirit

A queen with melancholy

I love you so much

My dearest grandma

You gave me life

You lead my fate

You raised me up

You love me deep